The Nations Guide to the Galaxy
by PollyJones
Summary: Don't leave Earth without it.     USUK, rated T just incase; Crossover.
1. Chapter 1

The extraordinary story of The Nations guide to the Galaxy begins very simple. It begins with a man. An Earthman, to be precise, who no more knows his destiny than a tea leaf knows the history of the East India Company. His name is Arthur Kirkland. He is a five-foot-seven-inch-tall nation and someone is trying to drive a bypass through his house.

"What do I bloody want you to do about it?" He shouted through the phone, as he lay next to the bulldozers front. "Well I want you to find him and tell him I'm currently lying flat on my back on front of – Fine, I'll bloody hold!" He hung up the phone, placing it in his pocket as he looked up at a man dressed in a builder uniform. He guessed he was in charge of everything.

"Come on now, Mr. Kirkland. You can't lie in front of the bulldozers forever." The man said as he sighed at the Englishman.

"Oh? Well I'm game! Let's see who rusts first; the nation or the bulldozer?" Arthur refused to let the men knock down his house. It was the most perfect house he had ever owned; a small, green cottage placed in the centre of a large, green field. No one would ever interrupt him here, except for his friend of course, but he could live most of his life in the nice calm atmosphere of his house.

"The bypass has got to be built and it is going to be built."

"Why has it got to be built?" he lifted his back up, using his elbows on the ground, although still staying close to the bulldozers front.

"It's a bypass! You've got to build bypasses. Besides, you should've protested months ago! These plans have been on display at the planning office for a year."

"_On display?_ I had to go down to a bloody cellar!"

The builder sighed, "Mr. Kirkland, have you any idea how much damage this bulldozer would suffer if I just let it roll straight over you?"

"...How much?"

"None at all."

By a strange coincidence, 'none at all' is exactly how much suspicion the British nation, Arthur Kirkland, had that one of his closest friends was not in fact from the planet Earth, but was in fact, from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse. The same man was currently running down Arthurs' front lawn, while holding a trolley filled with canned beer and small packets of pasta.

"Ve, Arthur!" The man shouted, as he lifted up a few cans of the beer and started running into the house. He had a rich 'Italian' accent; well Arthur had always guessed he was just Italian.

"Fiat." Arthur called to him, as he tried to remember why he was friends with the man anyway.

"_Si?_" The brown haired man turned around, to notice the several bulldozers placed in front of Arthurs' house.

"Over here." Arthur waved slightly, to get his full attention.

"Ve, there you are!" The Italian ran to Arthur, and sat next to him. He passed the beer to the Englishman, which caused for the builders to give him confused looks. "Eat, drink, we've got to talk~"

"Now isn't a good time, Fiat." He put the beer on the ground, and pointed to the bulldozer next to him. "They're going to bloody demolish my home."

The Italian stood up, with fear showing in his face. "You already know? How~?"

"What do you bloody mean? The bulldozers...?" Arthur said, as he shook his head at the Italian man. There was no real reason for their friendship; they had nothing in common, none of the same interests, yet they still knew each other.

"...Oh! They, _they," _he looked around at the builders, who were starting to lose interest and were getting bored. "When you say _'they'_, you mean them don't you~? _Capito_~" He turned back to Arthur, "Listen, I've got something important I've got to tell you~ Right now."

"But what about my house?"

The 'Italian' picked up the dropped canned beer, and passed them to the closest builders. "Workers of the Earth, I bring you beer and pasta~" The builders gathered around the Italian, before then surrounding the trolley of goods.

"Ve, now let's go to the pub~ They won't demolish your home until they've finished the beers." He helped Arthur off the ground, as led him to starting walking to the closest town.

"Can we trust them?" The Englishman didn't like the idea of leaving them with his house, although he really didn't have a choice anymore.

"I would trust them to the end of the Earth~"

"And how far is that?"

"About 12 minutes away~"

"Barman~" The 'Italian' called as he entered the pub, dragging Arthur closely behind him. "Six pints of beer and quickly~ The worlds about to end." He sat down on a stool next to the bar, and put a £50 note in front of the barman. "Ve, keep the change. You've got about 10 minutes to spend it." He lifted up the first glass, and started to drink it.

Arthur wasn't really surprised as to what was going on. He knew that his friend wasn't exactly sane, and the fact that he just paid for 3 beers for him, at lunchtime just proved they knew each other well. But he was still confused as to why his friend was doing all this.

"Time is an illusion~" He said, as he wiped his mouth using a towel he had around his shoulders. Arthur hadn't noticed the towel earlier, but it was a normal thing for his friend to do. "Lunch time, doubly so. Eat these peanuts, you'll need the salt~" He passed several packets of peanuts to Arthur, and started the next pint.

"Fiat, what is going on?" Arthur finally asked, as he started his first pint of beer.

The 'Italian' put a hand on Arthurs shoulder, and looked serious for the first time Arthur could remember. "What if I told you I really wasn't from Guildford?"

"I know you're not from Guildford."

"Ve, you do?"

"You're Italian."

"..._Italian?... _What if I told you I was from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse?"

"Is that something you were likely to say?"

"Remember when we met~?" Arthur had found it hard to forget. He had been walking home from doing his shopping, when he saw the 'Italian' standing in the middle of the road. He had his hand out, as if to shake some ones hand. Although it was more like he was trying to shake a cars hand, as he had almost gotten hit by one. Arthur had pushed him out of the way, but he only assumed he was drunk. After a conversation with the 'Italian', he guessed he was just stupid.

"Wasn't it strange that I was trying to shake hands with a car~?"

"I assumed you were just that stupid."

"Ve, I thought cars were the dominant life form. I was introducing myself~ You saved my life that day, and now I'm saving yours. Now drink~" Fiat let go off Arthur, and continued his own drinks as Arthur was still drinking his first.

"It must be Thursday. I could never get the bloody hang of Thursdays."

"Look, Arthur, if this is about your house-"

"This isn't about my house." The Englishman reached into his pocket, he was still wearing his green pyjamas, and brought out his phone. The background was of him and another blonde, much taller than him and wearing glasses. He had a small strand of hair which stuck out apart from the rest, and was giving a thumb up.

"Who's she?"

"He," He corrected. "Alfred F. Jones, we met at a fancy dress party. You see, I hate those kinds of parties. I would much rather have stayed home and worked on my embroidery. Buy anyway, I decided to go."

_The party was held at in some ones apartment, he couldn't remember whose. He could hardly remember who invited him to the party in the first place. Arthur had spent most of the time sat in a chair, reading. Until the mentioned American, Alfred, approached him. "Who are you?" He had shouted loudly over the music, wearing some kind of superhero costume._

"_Kirkland-Arthur Kirkland." He had surprised him, mainly because he hadn't noticed him there._

"_No, I mean- who are you?" The American repeated, rolling his eyes at the Englishman._

"_Oh? The costume, right. Britannia angel..." He blushed as he looked down at the small angel costume he was wearing; it was the only thing he could find at such short notice._

"_...O-kaaay then," The Americans aid, not sure what to say about the mans' outfit. "Well' I'm sure it's obvious about who I am." He laughed at this, as he punched the air (for some unknown reason.)_

"_Some super hero?" Arthur couldn't care less about what he was dressed as, but as long talking to the American meant the night would end sooner, he was up for it._

"_You're the first person to get that right! Everyone keeps thinking I'm a drunk guy in his pyjamas, but clearly they don't understand how awesome my costume is."_

"_Yeah, well people who come to these sorts of parties are drunken gits."_

"_What?" The America shouted, not being able to hear him over the music._

"_I said-" Someone knocked into the stereo, causing it to turn off. "All these people are gits-oh god." Everyone had turned to look at Arthur, while the American laughed because of the awkward silence._

"Ve, that's awkward~" The 'Italian' commented, with a small giggle.

"Tell me about it. He was amazing though, Fiat; Handsome, witty, mad as a balloon."

"_Let's go somewhere." They had both left the party, and were currently sitting on the roof of the apartment building. Arthur had already gotten slightly drunk, but not enough to strip naked._

"_Yeah-definitely. Where did you have in mind?" The Englishman was slightly confused by the question, but he just guessed that the American meant to leave the apartment building._

"_Madagascar."_

"_Is that that new club on Dean Street?"_

"_No, it's a country..."_

"That _Madagascar? Why are we waiting here then?" There was a small awkward silence. "Oh god, you're serious? I can't go to Madagascar."_

"_Why not?" The American pouted, sure they had only known each other for several hours, but they had fun._

"_Because- I just- you know... You're really serious?"_

"_Yeah! I want to go somewhere I've never been, and I'd like to go with you. So, what do you say, Britannia angel?"_

"_I say that's an extraordinary proposition, but I can't go. I mean, I've got a job."_

"_Quit! Get a new one when you come back!"_

"_I don't even know your real name!"_

_The American poked the Englishman's chest, and grabbed his hand. "Alfred F. Jones."_

"_Well, Alfred F. Jones, I have a proposition for you. Why don't we go a somewhere a little closer first, like, say Cornwall, and we'll see how it goes?"_

"_Right, of course, Cornwall." A tall blonde walked towards their table, wearing a blue uniform. He had long blonde hair, with sunglasses. _

"_Excuse moi, is this guy boring you?" He had a rich French accent, and looked down at the American. "Why don't you talk to me instead?" He combed his hair using his fingers, and smirked. "I'm from a different planet." The Americans face lit up at the Frenchman, and started to forget about Arthur. "It's true, you want to see my spaceship?" _

"'_Do you want to see my spaceship?' _I mean really, what kind of line is that?" Arthur drank more of his beer as he looked over at his friend.

"That does happen~ Speaking of-" He took something out of his pocket, which appeared to be a small black tube with blue lights on it. "We've got 2 minutes~ Drink up."

A loud crashing noise came from outside, as Arthur stood up to look through the window. "That's my house... that's my bloody house!" He ran out of the pub, and headed towards his home. Fiat grabbed the packets of peanuts, and left more money on the bar.

"People of Earth~ A round of drinks for everyone, on me." He started to follow Arthur, until the barman interrupted him.

"Do you really think the worlds going to end?"

"Ve, yes~"

"Shouldn't we lie down, or put a paper bag over our head or something?"

"If you like~"

"Will it help?

"Not at all, see you!" The 'Italian' shouted, before running after Arthur.

What was once Arthurs' beautiful cottage, was now knocked down to look like several destroyed walls and furniture in the middle of a field. Arthur slowly walked onto his property, as the builders around him stopped to look at the sky. Several of them had shouted something, although Arthur had blocked the voices out. They all started to run in different directions, as Arthur continued to look at his destroyed home.

Fiat eventually caught up with Arthur, and ran straight to what was one his bathroom. He picked up a towel, and then joined Arthur. He was looking up at the sky, to see a large block shape covering up most of the sky. It was dark brown, and stopped the sunlight from reaching anything. "What the hell are those things?" The Englishman shouted, as he pointed upwards.

"They're ships from an Austrian constructor fleet! I picked up their signal this morning~ Here, you'll need this!" He rapped the towel around Arthurs' shoulders, and twisted the ring on his thumb. He pointed his thumb up to the ship.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"We're hitching a ride~" A golden light came out of the ring, and pointed up towards the ship.

"_People of Earth, this is Roderich Vogon Edelstein of the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council." _The speech was being broadcasted from the ships above the Earth. "_As you are probably aware, plans for the development of the outlying regions of the galaxy involve the building of a hyperspace express route through your star system. And your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition. There's no point acting surprised about it, the plans have been on display at your local planning office in Alpha Centauri for 50 earth years. If you can't be bothered with local affairs, that's your lookout. Pathetic planet, I've no sympathy at all."_

The Vogon ended the transmission, and pressed one of the many buttons in front of him. In a matter of seconds, the Earth had been demolished into nothing but space dust; leaving no trace of the planet which once lived there.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Thanks to all fo you who ahve already added this to your faviroute stories and reviewed. It makes me really happy. ;^; I realise this chapter isn't as long as the first one, but it felt like a good place to end it. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter as much (or more) than you did the first one~!

* * *

'_The Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. Perhaps the most remarkable, certainly the most successful book, ever to come out of the great publishing corporations of Ursa Minor. More popular than 'The Celestial Homecare Omnibus', better selling than '53 More Things to Do in Zero Gravity', and more controversial than 'Oolon Colluphids trilogy of philosophical blockbusters: Where God Went Wrong, Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes and Who is this God Person Anyway?' it's already supplanted the Encyclopaedia Galacticas the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom for two important reasons. First, it's slightly cheaper, and second, it has the words "Don't Panic" printed in large, friendly letters on its cover."_

"So... you're not from Italy?" The Englishman questioned, as he closed the book to examine the words 'Don't Panic'. They were currently sat in a darkened room, both lying on the ground. He wasn't quite sure about where he was, or what had happened. All he knew was that he was next to his friend Fiat, and in his pyjamas. "So, you're not an out-of-work actor, but rather a writer for this... book thing?"

"It's very good, ve?" Fiat said, as he stood up to examine the room. He wondered over to a shelf, full of devices that Arthur weren't so sure about.

"I don't feel well. I need a cup of tea." He tried to stand up, and leant against a –metal? He guessed it was metal-wall. "If I asked where we were, would I regret it?"

"We're safe for now~" The Italian started to sniff several of the 'devices' on the shelf, and took a step back. "We're in the washroom on one of the Austrian constructor fleets."

Arthur shook his head, and moaned from the pain he was in. "Get me home, Fiat!"

The 'Italian' walked over to what looked like a door, and attempted to open it; but had no success in doing so. "Arthur, you're home is-"

"Oh, bloody hell, my home. My home was demolished." Fiat flicked a switch he found on the wall, causing the lights to come on. Arthur had been looking down at his phone, with the picture of Alfred.

"You don't remember~" Fiat placed one of his hands on Arthurs shoulder, making him confused. "Okay, Arthur~ I've got something to tell you. It's unfortunate, but it's true~" He frowned slightly, "You're home planet has been blown up." After several moments of silence, he pulled his friend into an embrace as an attempt to make him feel better. He eventually let go, and began analysing the walls once again.

"Blown up... c-couldn't you have done something?" Arthur was still finding it hard to accept the news, so he decided to act as if he was fine with it.

"I saved your life~ That makes us even. It's a tough galaxy, if you want to survive out here, you've got to know where your towel is." He picked up the towel he had found at Arthur house, and passed it to him. Now help me over here~ We've got to get off this ship before the Austrians find us." He wrapped the towel around a pipe on the wall, and motioned to Arthur. "Pull~" They both pulled on the towel, causing the pipe to burst and hot air-what Arthur guessed was air-to burst out. "Now we'll get a signal~!" the 'Italian' said with joy, and he put his thumb on the pipe.

"What is an Austrian?" Arthur asked, trying to figure everything out one thing at a time.

"Ve, ask the guide! Say 'Vogons'~"

Arthur reached for the guide book, and opened it up. "Austrians." He said clearly, as he watched the images in the guide change.

"_Austrians are one of the most unpleasant races in the galaxy. Not evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. They wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Turkey without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters. On no account should you allow an Austrian to play his piano to you for more than 1.568 seconds."_

"They can't think or imagine. They just run things~" The 'Italian' interrupted, as he tried to get the signal through his thumb. "And if we don't get a ride soon, we won't need the guide to tell us how unpleasant Austrians are~ They've already destroyed a planet today, that always makes them a little...edgy~"

At this moment, a scream like sound burst through the speakers of the ship. Arthur squinted his eyes as he tried to cover up his ears, which Fiat refused to let him do. The 'Italian' reached into his pocket, and passed a small fish-like creature to Arthur. "Put this in your ear~" He started to force it into Arthurs ear, as he did all he could to resist.

"We have unwittingly picked up a couple of hitchhikers." Was now all Arthur could hear, as his head twitched from the small fish in his ear.

"The fish is translating for you~!" Fiat shouted, as he returned to trying to get a signal.

"_The Pierre fish is a small, yellow, leech-like, and probably the oddest thing in the universe. It feeds on brainwave energy, absorbing unconscious frequencies and excreting a matrix of conscious frequencies to the speech centres of the brain. The practical upshot of which is that, if you stick one in your ear, you instantly understand anything said to you in any language." _

The door to the wash room burst open, as a- what Arthur presumed to be- Austrian walked in. He looked basically like a human, with messy brown hair and glasses. The only noticeable difference between an Austrian and a human would have to be the height. The Austrian was much taller than Arthur and Fiat, and grabbed a hold of both of their colours. "Resistance is useless."

Arthur and Fiat had been brought into a room, which had the same colour scheme as the wash room- varied shades of brown- and were instantly tied up against 2 posts using duct tape. Surrounding them were a crowd of Austrians, each of them wearing the same outfit: A brown jacket with black trousers. Although in the centre of the room, next to a Piano, was an Austrian in a navy-blue coat with purple trousers. The centre Austrian cleared his throat as he took his seat next to the Piano, and clicked his fingers for silence; he started to play.

"_Austrian piano playing is widely accepted as the third worst genre of music in the universe. The second worst is that of the Prussians. During a concert by their music master, Gilbert Beilschmidt, of his music 'Ode to small chick I found One Midsummer Morning', four of his audience died of internal haemorrhaging, and the Hungarian Ambassador survived by knowing one of her own legs off. The absolute worst piano playing was by Paula Millstone Jennings of Cornwall, luckily it was destroyed when the Earth was."_

The Austrian stood up from his Piano, and took a bow as the crew of the ship applauded him. He stood in front of Arthur and Fiat, who had heard enough to know about horrible the music was. "So, earthlings, I present you with a choice. Either die in the vacuum of space, or tell me what you thought of my piano playing."

"A-Actually I rather liked it." Arthur stuttered, which caught the much taller Austrians attention.

"V-Ve, that's good~ Run with it." Fiat tried to whisper to the Englishman, still slightly in pain from what had just happened.

"It did go on for a while, and I didn't really understand what was going on, but it was i-interesting."

The Austrian thought about this for a while, before looking back down at Arthur. "Continue."

"Well, yes, um, interesting use of the p-piano? I-it was all very dramatic, which could show the humanity-"

"Austrianity~!"

"Y-yes, Austrianity! Autrianity of the players soul."

The Austrian leaned closer to the Englishman's face, considering what he just said. "So what you're saying is, I play piano because underneath this mean, callous, heartless exterior, I just want to be loved?"

Arthur looked over at his friend, to see him nodding. "Yes..." He was hoping that his plan would work.

"Ah, I see..." The Austrian reached for a microphone. "Throw them off the ship!" Apparently the plan hadn't. 2 Austrians grabbed the front of Arthur and Fiat, pulling them off the posts and dragging them out of the room. They both tried to struggle, although their efforts were useless against the taller men-were they men? Arthur wasn't sure what you would call them. They threw them both into a small room, still filled with only brown, and shut a door behind them.

"Resistance is useless." Arthur thought he could hear the door was locked. They were now left alone, as their lives were most likely going to end now.

"So this is it? We're going to die?" Arthur was still on the floor from where he had been pushed, where as Fiat had instantly jumped up to look for a way out.

After a few moments, Fiat replied with: "Yeah, we're going to die~" he looked around, until he saw a pad of buttons on the wall. "No! What's this?" He pressed the buttons, as Arthur also stood up now to view the buttons. Nothing happened. "What's this~... Ve, this is nothing. We're going to die."

Arthur lifted his phone out of his pocket, and looked the picture of Alfred for what was likely the last time. Fiat lifted his arms up, ready to embrace Arthur, "Would you like a hug~?"

"No." Arthur replied, before putting the phone back in his pocket. Sirens started to alarm as colours flashed in the room. A small hatch on the floor opened, causing both of the men to fall in the deep area known as space.

"_Space, says the introduction to The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, "is big, really big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is." And so on. It also says, that if you hold a lungful of air, you can survive the vacuum of space for about 30 seconds. But with space being really big and all, the chances of being picked up within that time are two to the power of 22079460347:1 against. Which by a staggering coincidence, it's also the phone number of the Islington flat where Arthur went to a fancy dress party and met a very nice young man whom he totally blew it with."_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **3 chapters in one day? That's a lot, _for me anyway. _By the way, incase you guys were wondering why Italy is named 'Fiat', it's because the character he is is called 'Ford', and he originally thought that cars were the dominant specias on Earth. And Fiat are an italian car company. And I realised that I refured to France as 'Frenchman' several times in this chapter, just pretend that he's from a planet called France or something. I don't know. xD Everytime I get a review I feel really happly. ;^; So please do review!

* * *

"_Although Earth, the Islington flat, and the mentioned telephone were all demolished to make way for a bypass, Arthur and Fiat were, in fact, rescued."_

Arthur and Fiat found there selves sat in a white room. A few moments ago they knew that they were most likely going to die, as they were dropped into the vacuum of space. Now all they knew is that they, and not by choice, transformed into 2 sofas.

"Fiat?" Asked Arthur, who wasn't at all fazed by the fact that he was a sofa, but more for the fact that he was a _talking _sofa.

"Yes?" Fiat hadn't at all noticed; the only thing he managed to notice was the fact that he wasn't dead.

"I think I'm a sofa."

"I know how you feel~." They both screamed, as they turned back into their natural forms.

* * *

"So much for the laws of physics." Alfred commented, as he looked over at the computer screen which said 'Normality restored'. He pushed his glasses onto his nose properly and turned to see his companion sat watching the TV.

"_And now for our top story; the sensational theft of the most coveted ship in the universe, the starship heart of Gold. Stolen at the launch ceremony by none other than Galactic President Francis Bonnefoy." _The screen showed a clip of a crowd in a field, next to the very same ship which Alfred and Francis were piloting at that moment. Francis was stood next to the entrance to the ship, with a microphone.

"_In the name of people, freedom and democracy, stuff like that, I hereby kidnap myself; and I'm taking the ship with me!" _The crowd had gasped, before the clip went back to showing the reporter.

"_Bonnefoy, universally considered to be the dimmest star in several solar systems, is most famous for his controversial defeat of __Ivan Braginski; who claimed many thought they were voting for the worst-dressed being in the universe contest." _Sat in front of the screen was a tall, blonde Frenchman, who had been wearing nothing other than a red rove, a towel over his head and some golden boxers. He laughed at the reporter on screen, with his accent being rich as usual.

"_Braginski is best remembered for his slanderous "Don't vote for perverted" campaign."_

"Can we put your ego aside for one moment? Something important has happened." The American called to his companion, who had gone back to viewing the computer screen.

"_Mon doux américaine, _if there is anything than my ego, I want it caught and shot right now." Francis called, before giving a wink and looking back at the news report. Alfred picked up the remote and turned it off, causing the Frenchman to pout. "Hey hey, why'd you do that? I was just watching myself-"

"We have a couple of hitchhikers." Alfred explained, as he rolled his eyes at the taller blonde.

"_Auto-stoppeurs? _Why would you pick up _auto-stoppeurs_?"

"I didn't, the ship did. When we engaged the... big-blue-button-thing, they were picked up here in sector-ZZ9-Plural Z Alpha. Wait, that's where you picked me up! How awesome is this?"

"What? That's impossible,"

"No, just very improbably.

Francis wrapped one of his arms around Alfred, as he pulled him into a tight embrace. "_Mon cher_, I don't have time for this. We've got the police of half the galaxy after us, and you stopped to pick up hitchhikers. Okay? So, you've got 10 out of 10 for hotness, but minus several million for good thinking. You're too gorgeous baby, stop it you're driving me crazy." He let go off the American, before skipping back to watch more of himself.

"Fine, I'll send... whatever his name is." He pressed one of the buttons on the computer, and watched as a robot entered the room. He looked a lot like Alfred, although instead he was clearly a robot, whose invisibility patch was malfunctioning.

"I think you ought to know, I'm feeling very sad." The robot said, as he looked over at Alfred. "Do you even remember my name?"

"Well, no... but I know what could take your mind of things."

"It won't work; I have an exceptionally large mind." The robot shook his head as he walked towards Alfred.

"Yeah, we know. But we need you to go down to the number 2 entry bay and pick up our stowaways and bring them up here."

"Just that? I won't enjoy it..." The robot picked up a gun from the computer, and left the room the same way he entered. "And for the 472nd time, my name is Matthew..."

* * *

"_Commander Edelstein?" The Austrian commander was sat at his desk, as he read through the papers about the destruction of Earth. He accepted the call from the receiver, and continued to read without even turning to look at it. "We have located the starship Heart of Gold and President Bonnefoy."_

"_Where?" He replied, as he signed a piece of paper and added it to a pile. He could really take a break and practise on his piano real soon, the stress of his job got to him; although he did enjoy it._

"_Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha. Requesting hyperspace clearance."_

"_Hold your position, captain, until clearance is granted."_

"_Yes sir!" The head Austrian turned to look at his assistant, who looked exactly like him except for in different clothes._

"_Get me the vice-president," His assistant turned away, as he stamped more paperwork. "Hyperspace permission granted, Captain." _

* * *

"I think that door just sighed." Arthur said, as he and Fiat continued to explore the ship they were on. They had yet to come across any sort of crew, which is a surprise when they were on a ship this big.

"Ghastly, isn't it?" Said Mat-...Martin? Yeah,- said Martin as he walked towards the 2 men. "All the doors have been programmed to have a cheerful and sunny disposition. Anyway, come on, I've been ordered to take you up to the bridge." He pointed the gun at them, and motioned for them to continue down the corridor. Neither of them moved, as they both stared at the robot that had started to turn invisible. "Oh, please yourselves. Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they don't even remember my name. Call that job satisfaction? Because I don't."

Arthur looked at Fiat, who didn't seem at all fazed by the robot in front of them. The robot had started to ramble on, while Arthur tried to remember how he even got in this situation. "You can thank the Sirius Cybernetics Corp. for building robots with GPP."

"What's G.P.P?" Arthur asked, as he tried to figure out as to what was going on in his head.

"Genuine People Personalities. I'm a personality prototype. You can tell, can't you?"

Alfred looked up at the computer screen which was placed on the wall, as he looked through the security cameras. He zoomed in once he managed to find Marvin, was it Marvin? Whatever, he didn't care, with the hitchhikers. He zoomed in on it, and gave a small smile as he recognised those big eyebrows. "Arthur...?"

"Hey, _mon cher_, are you wearing my underwear? Because I'm wearing yours! And they ain't doing the trick!" Francis shouted across the room; as Alfred looked down to see himself wearing a long white coast and a pair of his companions' boxers. He reached for a pair of trousers he found on the floor, and rushed to put them on before his old friend found him.

One of the doors sighed, as Martin entered the room with the hitchhikers following. "I've brought the aliens, but don't bother noticing me or anything. It's not like you were going to anyway."

"_Gel!" _Francis shouted, as he jumped into the view of the hitchhikers with a gun in his hand.

Fiat had gone into hysterics, as he tried to use the towel to hide himself. "Don'thurtmedon'tshootmeI'lldoanythinjustdon'thurtmeIswear!" He spoke father than the average human could understand, but then again Arthur was the only human there-or so he thought.

"Freeze? I'm a robot, not a refrigerator." Merlin commented, as he left the Frenchman with the newcomers.

"I wasn't talking to you, giggles." Francis replied, as he gave a small wink.

"Why do I even bother?"

"Francis~?" Fiat asked, as he swung the towel over his shoulder.

"Fiat? Is that you, _mon cher?_ What on Earth are you doing here?" He embraced Fiat in a hug, and wrapped an arm around him.

"Ve, I just stuck my thumb up and here I am! Did you really become President of the galaxy? I can't believe you beat Ivan Braginski~"

"Oh, you _anessa_ _muette!_" He said to Fiat, in probably some alien language that Arthur didn't understand.

"Come here~ I want you to meet my friend. Arthur, this is Francis Bonnefoy; the President of the galaxy, and my cousin~"

"We've met." Arthur said sharply, as his memories from the night he met Alfred ran through his mind. He gave a cold stare to what seemed like a Frenchman."

"Have we? I'm sorry, I have a terrible memory for espèce. Perhaps I was drunk at the time?"

"This is him, Fiat. This is the "would you like to take a look at my spaceship?" git." He took a step away from the taller blonde, and made a mental note to keep his distance from him.

"Hey, Arthur!" Alfred shouted, as he entered the room with a slight run in his walk.

"A-Alfred?" The Englishman stuttered, as he looked to see the American, being his usual self. He walked away from his friend, and _Francis _to go and speak with him.

"How've you been?" Alfred could barely control his excitement from seeing Arthur again, although it didn't last long as Francis took hold of his wrist and dragged him towards Fiat.

"Tony! This is my cousin, Felici-_Desole_, I mean Fiat." He chuckled, as he introduced them both. Although Alfred was hardly interested in Fiat.

"Uh, yeah. Would you excuse us for a second?" Alfred asked, although he never really wanted an answer.

"Ve, you visited Earth and you didn't tell me?" Fiat had felt offended by this.

"I'm sorry, _mon cher_, I've been busy. Being president of the universe and all~"

"This _is _Alfred F. Jones, right? I think I heard him call you Tony. Which one of us got it right?" Arthur asked, confused by the name change, plus Alfred just suited the American more.

"I changed it to something more spacey, isn't it awesome?" Alfred found it hard to contain his excitement, and he was being his usual enthusiastic self. It was a good thing that the other blonde, Francis, hadn't done anything to him.

"Ah, right. Actually I was thinking of changing mine to, I don't know, Arthoolia."

"Haha, that's a good one! Well, this is awkward... how did you get here?"

"I just stuck out my thumb, and here I am." Only once he had said it, Arthur realised how stupid it really did sound.

"In your pyjamas...?"

"I was in a hurry."

"Right, yeah, okay. Did you know I was here?"

"Don't flatter yourself, I have a spaceman to." Arthur flushed, and looked away to look at the 2 aliens. They were both doing some sort of dance, as one of them mentioned the 'Dingo Shuffle'.

"Yeah... look, I left you at the party, and I feel bad about it, but I was going to call you when I got back!"

"Well, there is no going back now is there? You do know what happened, don't you?"

Alfred was about to ask what he meant, until he was interrupted by Francis as he wrapped his arms around the two. "Enough _papotage, _we're on the run, remember?"

"Bloody hell, we're in the middle of a chat here, you-"

"Yeah? Well I think he's getting a bit bored of you- Boo!" He shouted, as he bent his head back to show another one in the place where his neck should've been. This head was completely different to the other; instead of having blue eyes, he had red, with silver eyebrows instead of blonde. "You blew it with her, Earthman, so shut your face or I'll kick you in the zatch using my awesome!" He started to slap at Arthurs hand, who in return slapped him back, "Oh, you wanna' fight? I'm just kidding!" He lifted both of his hands up in the air, as if he was surrendering. "I'm a kidder! Let's be friends, let's connect. You and I." An arm came from his chest, and slapped Arthurs face. "Ha! Didn't see that one coming, did you Artie? Popped right out of the box! Because I'm so awesome!"

Arthur stumbled back from the sudden slap, and fell down onto the floor. He whipped his check where he had been hit, and did his best to stay calm. "Teach your pal a lesson, Fiat. He's a guest on my ship. He's a guest on my ship!" Francis' second head slightly sung the last line, as he waved his arms around in the air.

"Ve, I thought you said you stole it?"

Francis' head went back into the scarf which was wrapped around him, as he tried to catch his balance. "Stole what? What are we talking about?" A small siren sounded from the computer, as several lights flashed on it. "That can't be good~!"

"Are you okay?" Alfred asked, as he bent down next to Arthur. His nose was now bleeding, and he whipped it using the towel (which was actually useful for once.)

"I'm just fabulous, thanks, _Tony."_

"_Mon cher, _a little help over here? I'm in over my head." He turned around, as his second head opened up once again.

"Let the awesome me take care of this!" he pulled several of the levers on the computer, as Alfred tried to stop him from doing so. "Hey, this is really pretty." He said, as he pointed towards a big blue button placed right in the centre.

"Don't!" Alfred shouted, as he tried to push Francis away from the controls.

"They're on our tail! Fire a gun, shoot a missile, do some damage!"

"Uh, computer?" Alfred called up towards the ceiling, as it made several bleeping noises.

"Hi there! I'm Antonio, you're computer! I'm pleased to report that there's an army of angry Austrians including 100 battle fleets right outside! They're sending you a message!"

The screen of the television flicked on, to show a lady dressed in a long navy blue dress. She had platinum blonde hair, with sharp blue eyes. She had a clipboard in one of her hands. "This is Vice-President Natalia Arlovskaya. I am speaking to the kidnapper of the President? Surrender the stolen vessel at once or we will take action as defined and permitted by section 1-8 of the Galacic Interstellar Space Bylaws- Francis, just come back. This is ridiculous."

"Leap to hyperspace, come on!" Francis' second head shouted, as he jumped on the sofa.

"_Sure thing, fella!" _Antonio, their computer, replied as several colours on the computer flashed.


	4. Chapter 4

"So, are you along for the ride or am I just dropping you off somewhere?" Francis asked Fiat, as he poured a blue liquid into 2 glasses.

"Ve, that depends. Where are you going~?" The 'Italian' looked down at the glass, before picking it up to smell the contents.

"Where am I going?" Francis smirked, as he looked over at his cousin in front of him. He eyed him up and down, and he picked up his own glass to stir it.

"Hey, are you okay?" Alfred asked to Arthur, who still remained on the floor while rubbing hsi temples.

"I'm just fine. I don't suppose there's any tea on this ship, is there?" He asked, as he looked up at the American. He got himself up, before straightening out his clothes with his hands.

"Yes, there is." Alfred gave a small smile, before putting one of his hands on his hips. "Come on, I'll show you to the kitchen."

"When you see what I'm about to show you, you'll _beg _me to take you with us." Francis chuckled, before taking a sip of his glass of _Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster._

"_The best drink in existence is the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having half of your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick."_

Both Francis and Fiats' heads twitched as they swallowed the blue contents, as their minds were crushed by a metaphorical lemon, somehow wrapped around a large golden brick. "One second~" Francis chuckled, before leaving Fiat on his own to disturb Arthur; who had been busy exploring the ship.

The heart of Gold was a large, circular white ship; with a colour scheme completely different to the Austrians. Instead of having old, square furniture this ship was filled with curved, modern styled ones that could suite most people's taste.

"_Terrien!" _The President shouted to him, as he ran up to him and pulled him into a tight embrace. Arthur did his best to push the taller blonde away, although he refused to let him go. "Sorry, but what was your name again?"

"Arthur." He replied sternly, as kept a straight face at the alien.

"Yeah, right. No hard feelings, _oui? _So sorry to hear about your planet..."

"Earth."

"Yeah, I liked Earth. I got these boots there. But don't mention it to Tony, because if you do-"

His head shot back, revealing the second one once again. He was smirking, with his red eyes on the Englishman. "I'll pull your spleen out through your throat." He pulled his head back down, and tried to recover his balance.

"All right? Thanks buddy." Arthur nodded slightly, as Francis let go of the embrace and winked at him. "Yeah, I like those jammies." He returned to his cousin, leaving Arthur in a confused state.

"Ve, what's up with the two head thing?" Fiat asked curiously. He was sure that the last time he saw his cousin, he only had 1 head. And he knew that his species didn't just grow a new one.

"You see, apparently you can't be president with a whole brain. It's crazy."

"Oh, so you carved it up~?"

"Yes, they said that parts of my personality weren't exactly _presidential. _You know what I'm talking about, _oui?" _

Arthur sat as he watched the machine on the wall of the kitchen pour blue liquid into a small glass. He was sure that Alfred said it would be tea, although it didn't resemble it in the slightest. Foam started to appear at the top of the glass, as the liquid slowly turned into a light brown. He picked up the glass, examined the contents before taking a small sip. He coughed at the taste, and put the glass back down on the counter. "You call _that_ tea?"

"I suppose I should've mentioned that it resembles tea," The American laughed, as he wondered around the kitchen. It was the same style as the rest of the ship, which several stools next to a counter.

"So, two heads it what it takes to please you? I mean, if I had two heads or three..." The Englishman blushed as he looked down at the ground, refusing to make eye contact with the other.

"Or your own spaceship?" He scratched the back of his head, a habit he had, as he couldn't help but grin.

"What else does he have two of?"

"I don't know, and believe me I don't _want _to know. But don't be like that,"

"What am I supposed to be like? Green? Bleeping? I could try folding my eyelids inside it if you like." He had already gained a grudge against the aliens, and he didn't have trouble showing it. He missed the Earth, his home. He missed being able to sit at home with a good book, to be able to work on his embroidery. Although he couldn't do that now, it was all gone.

"Fine, look. You see this?" He pointed to a device placed on the wall. It had a circle shape engraved in it, with lights surrounding. He put his head in the engraved circle, and after a short while he took it back out. "It detects what you're craving and makes it for you." A plate next to the device, soon had a burger appear on it with a small puff of smoke. He grinned down at the burger, only to notice in the corner of his eye that his friend still wasn't impressed.

"How about this?" He reached for a small piece of plastic, and pressed a small button on it that let out a small laser. He pushed the small laser down into a loaf of bread, as it cut down the bread turned a dark colour. "This toasts bread while you slice it. We're on a spaceship, Arthur! In space! I told you I wanted to get away." He put the small 'knife' away, and looked back to Arthur grinning.

"Yeah, to Madagascar. So, that was a test? And I failed." Arthur arched his eyebrows, as he continued to look down at the ground. He could tell that the American was moving closer to him, but he decided to ignore it.

"How badly does it hurt?" Alfred wiped Arthur chin slightly, causing his pink blush to turn crimson.

"I-It doesn't feel great..." He looked up to see the younger mans' face quite close to his, as he looked up and down at his face. "What the bloody hell are you doing?"

"I meant your chin; I think we might have some aspirin." He smiled, and let go off his friends face to bend down towards a bag. As he opened it, a small chick and a bird ran out of the top of it into the next room. Alfred ignored the 2 as he searched through the bag.

"Alfred- I mean, _Tony_, there's something I have to tell you." Arthur bent down next to the American, as he looked back at him concerned.

"Please, don't."

"_Showtime, _Tony!" They could hear Francis call, back from the main room.

* * *

"When I saw what I'm about to show you, that's when I realised why I had to do what I did to my brain. Well, I _think." _Francis explained, as he stood in front of the large screen holding a small, cube shape. He placed it into a small hole, and the television screen burst to life.

"I've seen it, it's rubbish." Merlin commented, as he shook his head while sat in the corner. The text 'Magrathean public archive' appeared on the screen, with a small logo; until it changed to show a dark forest.

"_Many millions of years ago, a race of hyperintelligent, pan-dimensional beings got so fed up with the constant bickering about the meaning of life, that they commissioned three of their brightest and best to design and build a stupendous super-computer to calculate the answer to life, the universe and everything." A crowd were gathered in the forest, as three small men were climbing up old, dark stairs. They had masks covering up their faces, and two of them were shaking with fear. As they reached the top of the stairs, they found a large computer in front of them. It was shown as the top half of a human body, with hands holding up the head. Blonde hair rested on the top, with a tired expression._

"_O Deep Thought," said one of the three, who was standing in the centre of the other two. Bits of brown hair were sticking out from a mask he wore, and he was easily the bravest of the three. "we want you to tell us the answer."_

"_Like, the answer to what?" The computer replied, with no visible reaction._

"_T-The answer to life, the universe, everything." The smallest of the 3 stuttered, as he took a step back from the others._

"_We really need an answer, something simple." The other stated, his hands trembling by his sides._

"_I'd totally have to think about that. So like, return to this place in exactly seven-and-a-half million years." The screen paused, as Francis turned to the others._

"Ve, is it finished?" Fiat asked, as he let his legs dangle off a chair he was sat on.

"_Non_, there's more. They go back."

"Seven-and-a-half million years later?" Arthur coughed; he found it pointless to know the point in existence. Wouldn't it be better to just live life as you please?

"_Oui, _they do." He clicked on the remote again, as the clip continued. It showed the same area again, although in the place of the forest, there was a huge crowd. Everyone in the crowd had red and white flags, as they cheered for the large robot.

"_Deep Thought, do you have-?" Replacing the three from before, now stood 2 young teenagers; one in a long, green dress and the other in a suit. The male was stood slightly in front of the younger female, and had asked this._

"_An answer for you? Totally! But like, you're not gonna' like it." The robot had interrupted._

"_It doesn't matter, just tell us."_

"_All right; so like, the answer to the ultimate question, of life, the universe and like, all that other stuff," The crowd began to cheer louder, as they threw their flags in the air. "is 52." The crowd fell silent, as their expressions fell._

"_52?" Someone from the crowd shouted, as others began to whisper to each other._

"_Yeah, I like, thought it over totally thoroughly. It's 52. It would've totally been simpler of course to have like, known what the question was."_

"_But it was _the_ question! The ultimate question, of everything!" The young man slammed his fist on the counter in front of him, making the female next to him jump slightly._

"_That's totally not a question. Only when you know the question will you like, know what the answer means."_

"_Then give us the ultimate question!"_

"_I like, can't. But there is one who can. A computer that will totally calculate the ultimate question. Like, a computer of such infinite complexity, that life itself will form part of its operational matrix. And you yourselves shall totally take on new, more primitive forms, and go down into the computer to navigate its 10-million-year-program. I shall design this computer for you, and it shall be called-"_

The screen went blank, as the small cube ejected itself out of the hole. "That's it?" Arthur asked, clearly not amused from the scene he just watched.

"_Oui_, that's it." Francis replied, as he picked up the small cube to put it in his pocket and walked towards the large computer.

"Ve, you're looking for the ultimate question~? Why~?" The 'Italian' jumped up, as he followed his cousin towards the computer.

"52? It doesn't work for _moi, _I need a real answer."

"Isn't there another reason for you to know~?"

"Partly for the curiosity, partly for the sense of adventure, but mainly for the fame, money and sex."

"You're President of the galaxy, aren't you?" Arthur asked; he's already got fame, money (but probably not sex), so why would he need the answer?

"Presidential fame is but temporary," He wrapped an arm around the smaller blonde, and gave him a wink. "I find the question, that's permanent. Plus everyone thinks your deep, win-win." He let go of the small Englishman, and pointed towards a large, blue button on the computer. "We click that button, and _bam, _we're at Magrathea, _Je pense ue. _We've only hit it twice and we're still not there, but are you guys in?"

"Of course~!" Fiat replied loudly, barely controlling his excitement.

"I want to get off." Morgen complained, shaking his head at everyone.

"Wait, what exactly are we doing?" Arthur asked, he still had no idea as to where they were going or why; or how he got on that ship in the first place.

"This!" Francis' second head appeared, as well as his third arm as it hit the big blue button.

* * *

**N/A: **Ahahahaha... ;; I hate how this came out. It's basically a chapter to explain things, although I didn't do that very well. And I know, my whole idea for replacing '42' sucked. Dx But it was all I could think of, and I doubt it makes sense as to why I choce that number. But anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter~


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